© 1997 Dave Awl

Pignose Strikes Again

[Dave sits at a table, center, writing on sheets of paper. Heather reads the narration over PA from the booth.]

Heather [voiceover]: Once there was a man who sat at a desk in a room. He sat at a desk and wrote things on pieces of paper. He did this every day. It was a matter of course to him. He couldn't have told you what he wrote or why, actually, even if you asked him very nicely. Every day a woman came to speak with him about certain business matters [Rachel enters wearing a rubber pig nose, the kind held on by a string or elastic strap; they hold a silent conversation] and the man was very careful not to draw attention to a certain obvious deformity that the woman was clearly unaware of. He liked the woman, but he pitied her slightly, not because she was deformed, but because she was deformed and she didn't even know it. Then one day, as the man and the woman were talking, the lights went out. [John enters and throws a large blanket over Rachel and Dave.] There was the sound of a scuffle. [Loud crashings and commotion from all directions. Dave and Rachel emerge from under the blanket and Dave is now wearing the pignose.] The first thing that the man noticed when the lights came back on was that the woman's obvious deformity was suddenly--inexplicably--quite gone. The woman was smiling at him in a pleasant, almost knowing sort of way. [Rachel and Dave conclude their conversation and Rachel exits left.] He felt very happy for her, of course, but something about the situation nagged at him--although he couldn't say exactly what. [He stands and heads over to "bed" area, stage right.]

The man went home feeling a bit funny in the head. He couldn't quite place the feeling. [Dave sits down in bed.] A strange mixture of fatigue and confusion, but with an odd feeling of peace and contentment bubbling somewhere underneath it all. [During preceding sentence, Dave looks puzzled, then resolves into a peaceful smile, and lies down.]

That night, the man had a dream. [Dave sits up suddenly, dreamlike. His head turns almost mechanically to see Phil, who is entering from left wearing a full pig mask. Dave rises and crosses to him. They meet center stage and begin a box-step waltz.] And in the dream, the man was dancing with himself, only he didn't quite look like himself. He looked happier somehow, and more content. He could have danced all night, in fact, and it is quite possible that he did. Years later, he could never remember exactly how the dream had ended.

[Phil, still wearing the pig mask, "kisses" Dave on each cheek. Dave exits. Phil crosses right to bed area and lies down, where Dave was "sleeping."]

When the man woke up [Phil sits up, stretches] the sun was shining in his window and it was a beautiful day outside. He decided not to go in to work that day. He tried calling in sick to work [Phil picks up phone, dials, holds it to ear] but when the woman at his place of business answered the phone, she pretended that she couldn't understand a word he said. She even threatened to notify certain local authorities if he ever called again. [Phil hangs up, puzzled.]

He decided to enjoy the beautiful day by going for a walk. [Phil stands up, strolls stage left.] The first thing the man saw when he stepped outside his door was a garbage dumpster. [John gently tosses a full trash bag onstage in front of Phil.] It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. [Phil gets down on his knees in front of it. He opens it up and begins rooting through it.] Indeed, there were many things in the world that were far more beautiful than the man had ever given them credit for before. [He pulls out a banana peel. He regards it with wonder. He places the peel reverently on top of his pighead, striking a proud pose.] He was glad that he wouldn't be going in to work anymore. He had better things to do. [Phil rolls contentedly in the trash.]


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