1994 Dave Awl

(Dave and Lusia are on chairs with a little table between them, like a little talk show set. They speak very quickly, a little too excited, a little too heavy on the cheese.)

D: Hi. I'm Dave!

L: And I'm Lusia!

D: and Theater Chat.

L: Welcome to Theater Chat for November (insert date)!

D: Today our topic is one that I personally find fascinating because it's very close to my own heart. We're going to be talking about...heterosexuals in the theatre!

L: Oh my god. There are a LOT of heterosexuals in the theatre, aren't there?

D: You can't hardly walk into a dressing room without tripping over one of them! You know, Lusia, over my many years in the theatre I have made DOZENS of WONDERFUL heterosexual friends. It was in the theatre that I first encountered heterosexuals!

L: Oh, I know, my college theatre department was just FULL of them! And I was a little uncomfortable around them at first until I came to see how really charming they could be.

D: Definitely.

L: I mean, regardless of what you think of their --lifestyle-- you can't deny that they tend to be very talented people, and often very witty.

D: Oh, yes, they're awfully entertaining. I wouldn't want to go to a party where there wasn't at least one of them!

L: Holding court the way they do.

D: Oh, I know. I mean it seems like they can all sing or dance or do impressions or something.

L: And they don't ALL try to hit on you.

D: Oh no, most of them are very polite. You just say no and they usually respect that.

L: Well, anyway, we're talking about heterosexuals in the theatre.

B Right. Well now, first off we should probably point out that there have been many great playwrights who were heterosexual.

L: Right!

D: Like for instance...

L: Like for instance...

D: Neil Simon!

L: Of course, Neil Simon. You know, you can really get a sense from reading his plays that he's a heterosexual, too!

D: Well, it does tend to creep into their work, doesn't it?

L: Certainly, just look at "Barefoot in the Park," there was that relationship between, Carrie or Lori or whatever, and that man...

D: Robert Redford!

L: Right, Robert Redford!

D: Oh, and what about "The Star-Spangled GIRL."

L: Gosh, the title gives it away right there, doesn't it?

(Greg Kotis runs on and whispers something to Dave.)

D: Really? Oh, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have something really exciting to announce. For the first time in the history of "Theatre Chat" we seem to have gotten a telephone call! Well, actually, it's just Diana pretending to be a telephone call, but still, it's very exciting!

L: Hello, caller!

Di: I'm just calling to say I'm sick and tired of hearing about heterosexuals. I turn on the TV, I turn on the radio, it's all you hear about. I mean, what if a child heard this show?

D: Well, now-

Di: And another thing! I don't think you'd keep harping on the subject all the time if you weren't harboring some heterosexual feelings of your own. Admit it, Dave--l bet you're secretly heterosexual yourself, aren't you?

D: (very smug) Well! That's the first time I'VE ever been accused of THAT, but for the record, neither Lusia nor I--Lusia? Lusia!

L: Oh my god Dave, Help me.

D: (dripping with compassion and sensitivity) Lusia, have you been having some heterosexual feelings?

L: (close to tears.) I'm just so confused.

D: Honey, it's really no big deal! Look, there are special neighborhoods where you can live and nobody will even care. [pause.] Like--Schaumburg! [Lusia looks hopeful.] Hey, let's talk some more about this later, OK?

L: [being brave.] Okay.

D: Well, that's all for this Theatre Chat, so till next time remember, be careful what you say, because heterosexuals really are everywhere! Good night!


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