(Dave and Lusia are on chairs with a little table between them, like a little talk show set. They speak very quickly, a little too excited, a little too heavy on the cheese.)
D: Hi. I'm Dave!
L: And I'm Lusia!
D: and this...is Theater Chat.
L: Welcome to Theater Chat for November (insert date)!
D: Today our topic is one that I personally find fascinating because it's very close to my own heart. We're going to be talking about...heterosexuals in the theatre!
L: Oh my god. There are a LOT of heterosexuals in the theatre, aren't there?
D: You can't hardly walk into a dressing room without tripping over one of them! You know, Lusia, over my many years in the theatre I have made DOZENS of WONDERFUL heterosexual friends. It was in the theatre that I first encountered heterosexuals!
L: Oh, I know, my college theatre department was just FULL of them! And I was a little uncomfortable around them at first until I came to see how really charming they could be.
L: I mean, regardless of what you think of their --lifestyle-- you can't deny that they tend to be very talented people, and often very witty.
D: Oh, yes, they're awfully entertaining. I wouldn't want to go to a party where there wasn't at least one of them!
L: Holding court the way they do.
D: Oh, I know. I mean it seems like they can all sing or dance or do impressions or something.
L: And they don't ALL try to hit on you.
D: Oh no, most of them are very polite. You just say no and they usually respect that.
L: Well, anyway, we're talking about heterosexuals in the theatre.
B Right. Well now, first off we should probably point out that there have been many great playwrights who were heterosexual.
D: Like for instance...
L: Like for instance...
D: Neil Simon!
L: Of course, Neil Simon. You know, you can really get a sense from reading his plays that he's a heterosexual, too!
D: Well, it does tend to creep into their work, doesn't it?
L: Certainly, just look at "Barefoot in the Park," there was that relationship between, Carrie or Lori or whatever, and that man...
D: Robert Redford!
L: Right, Robert Redford!
D: Oh, and what about "The Star-Spangled GIRL."
L: Gosh, the title gives it away right there, doesn't it?
(Greg Kotis runs on and whispers something to Dave.)
D: Really? Oh, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have something really exciting to announce. For the first time in the history of "Theatre Chat" we seem to have gotten a telephone call! Well, actually, it's just Diana pretending to be a telephone call, but still, it's very exciting!
L: Hello, caller!
Di: I'm just calling to say I'm sick and tired of hearing about heterosexuals. I turn on the TV, I turn on the radio, it's all you hear about. I mean, what if a child heard this show?
D: Well, now-
Di: And another thing! I don't think you'd keep harping on the subject all the time if you weren't harboring some heterosexual feelings of your own. Admit it, Dave--l bet you're secretly heterosexual yourself, aren't you?
D: (very smug) Well! That's the first time I'VE ever been accused of THAT, but for the record, neither Lusia nor I--Lusia? Lusia!
L: Oh my god Dave, Help me.
D: (dripping with compassion and sensitivity) Lusia, have you been having some heterosexual feelings?
L: (close to tears.) I'm just so confused.
D: Honey, it's really no big deal! Look, there are special neighborhoods where you can live and nobody will even care. [pause.] Like--Schaumburg! [Lusia looks hopeful.] Hey, let's talk some more about this later, OK?
L: [being brave.] Okay.
D: Well, that's all for this Theatre Chat, so till next time remember, be careful what you say, because heterosexuals really are everywhere! Good night!
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